you make me feel alive
by broken-trinkets
Summary: If you were to ask Beck to describe himself in the past, he would tell you he was first and foremost, an actor. And if you were to ask him to describe himself right now? He would tell you that he is first and foremost, Jade's. Beck&Jade forever/or how Jade West makes Beck Oliver feels alive.


_beck&jade are end game. _

* * *

beck oliver was an actor.

if you asked him to describe himself, that's the first thing he would tell you. sure, he was a cool dude, liked to direct, wrote scripts from time to time, even sang and danced a little. but first and foremost, beck oliver was an actor. growing up, he learnt that it was always easier with your emotions shut off. his dad was a humble business man, nothing too great, he made had a decent income that could support his family and he was happy. his mom was the all american stay-at-home mom who was always baking and being all smiley. until one day, his partner conned him of half their fortune and disappeared. they pretended it was alright, that they were perfectly fine, like nothing happened.

but beck knew.

he knows that they've always wanted more. wanted to be rich, to be financially secure. he knew his mom always wanted to stay in a palatial mansion, just like the one on top of the hill, the west mansion. he knew they were upset over the fact one of the people his dad trusted most lied to them. he would hear them arguing when they thought he was asleep. he heard his mom scream, saying that she was sick and tired of how everyone else seems to be doing better and his dad will yell back, asking why she has to be better than others and why can't she just be happy with what she's got.

(why can't you just be happy with what we have)

he knows his mum was the perfect girl in high school. he knows that she will always feel the need to be that perfect girl, better than everyone else, living the american dream, and it crushed her to not be that rich, over-privilleged, perfect girl anymore. he knows her dreams of being that girl again were ruined forever because they lost half their fortune.

(we weren't suppose to end up like this)

his dad yells back, saying that maybe if she wasn't so insistent on having a child so early on, maybe if they had saved more, maybe if beck hadn't been born, they wouldn't have a cash flow problem. maybe if they didn't spend so much money on his education and necessities, they could have had enough for a bigger house. they have more than enough for two, not three.

(ouch)  
(that hurt)

and at 8 years old, beck oliver learns to shut up about his feelings. he didn't like the fighting, and thought that if he cried or whined or got into fights like other boys his age, it would only make it worse. and he'd overheard his parents talking about the infamous west divorce, they fought too much. he didn't want that to happen to his parents, so he shut up, repressed his emotions as hard as he could so he wouldn't be in their way. he tries his god damn hardest to be that perfect son his mum needs him to be, and promises himself he would do anything it takes to make her dream come true. to make them happy.

the fights become less and less frequent, and his family feels like an actual famliy again. he tells himself it's because of him. he finally stopped adding onto their problems by whining about how he didn't get that new toy or gameboy or xbox and was the perfect, good boy who always ate his vegetables. yes, he liked to believe he stopped the fights and that his mum was happy. but that fight was forever etched in his mind, reminding him of what he has to do in order to make them happy.

and it was at 13 years old that he decided he was going to be an actor.

"why the sudden interest in acting?"  
"i never knew, beck."  
(you don't know anything about me)  
(you don't know your son)  
(why didn't you notice?)

he shrugs when they ask why. he tells them he thought it would be pretty cool to be an actor. to be famous. the typical answer a normal 13 year old boy would have, so they just smile and say okay when he tells them he wants to attend hollywood arts in the future.

"whatever makes you happy, sweetie."

what he doesn't tell them is that he wants to be an actor because that's all he knows. supressing your emotions for years makes you a pretty good actor, he supposes. when they start to realise he's a damn good one at that, they are surprised.

"he's talented, our boy."  
"he's gifted, i'm so proud."

what he doesn't tell them is that it's not talent, he's not naturally gifted or anything. they pretended everything as fine and flowery and dandy when he knows that they're not, and that's why everything he learnt about acting? he learnt from them.

(they taught him how to pretend)

at 14 years old he moves out into the old RV. he proposed it one day over dinner and his dad says it's okay, his boy just wants a little time to grow up on his own. beck fakes a smile and thanks him. he tells them it's because he needs some space, and that because he's attending hollywood arts now he's gonna need a lot time to practise and sing loudly all the time and stay up to do his work and he didn't want to impose on them. his mom smiles at this.

"you're the best son anyone could ask for, honey."  
(they don't disagree when he says he's imposing on them)  
(he supposes they've been waiting for this day all along)

he acts like what they didn't say, didn't break his heart. he pretends it's fine that they didn't go on their knees and begged him to stay. he pretends he doesn't know all he is a big burden on them.

he is, first and foremost, an actor after all.

what they don't know is that he grew up at age 8 years old, and that he wanted to move out because he couldn't stand seeing them pretend everything was fine and dandy anymore. he was losing his mind, coming home to fake smiles and fake laughter and fake everything. he wasn't sure of anything anymore and knew he would lose it if he didn't get out of there immediately.

he moves into the RV not more then two hours after.

funny thing was, he thought that moving into the RV would help him, let him be himself for awhile. but it didn't. turns out he was so accustomed to pretending it was all he could do.

(he wasn't sure of who he was anymore)  
(he forgot what it was like to actually feel emotions)  
(after all, it's been five years since he felt anything at all)

sure, there were girlfriends. a string of them actually. they were all no more than a part of the image he had crafted for himself, a mere prop, if you will, to help him act. he uses them to show others he was just your all american, average boy. sure he found them attractive and made out with most of them and made empty promises he had no intention to keep, but what can he say?

he is, first and foremost, an actor after all.

he meets Andre Harris on his first day at hollywood arts, and it's the first time in years he genuinely laughed and felt happy. beck oliver felt an emotion for the first time and was glad. Andre was hilarious and crazy talented, and made beck laugh till he cried for the first time in his life. he then realises that his forced laughter at home pales in comparison and wonders about what he's been missing out on. he hasn't laughed since he was eight and he forgot how good it felt. He starts to think maybe it's alright to feel again. Andre calls him out on being a player, "not cool dude" and that's when he stops using girls. because Andre was his bestfriend and he didn't have to pretend with him.

(happiness)

he meets Robbie/Rex awhile after in math class, and found him strange. it was not long after that he started to have a newfound respect, and jealousy for the kid. atleast he could voice out his opinions using Rex. Beck understood, he hid behind his acting the very same way Robbie hides behind Rex, and for once somebody understands. And when a group of guys beat up Robbie, making fun of Rex, calling him a loser, Beck Oliver snaps for the first time in his life and beat them all half to death. When he turned around, Andre was looking over Robbie and Beck walks over to where they threw Rex on the ground, picks him up, dusts him off, and hands him back to Robbie. He knows it's important, he wouldn't know what to do if he couldn't act. Robbie smiles and thanks him, and is surprised when Beck thanks him in return. He felt real, pure anger that day, he's starting to feel again and he's thankful.

(anger)

Cat Valentine was an enigma, to everyone. Robbie introduces them one day and he smiles and when he politely extends his hand, she gives him the biggest smile he's ever seen and hugs him. She tells him that they're gonna be great friends and he can't help but agree. He finds her oddly likeable, with her dim-witted humour and quirky habits. She didn't make him feel another emotion, but she taught him something. Maybe it's okay that his parents don't love him, or know him. He's sure she has problems too, the stories about her brother say more than enough about her situation, but the fact that she can still look on the brighter side of life and truly believe that everything will be alright if you just face it with a smile. Cat Valentine taught him how to be optimistic, and he finds that he kinda likes it too.

(optimism)

It's seven months into hollywood arts when Jadelyn August West transfers in, and people immediately start talking.

"Isn't she the one staying at that big house on the hill?"  
"I heard her parents are divorced."  
"Why do you think she transferred schools mid term?"  
"Hot damn, she's stunning."

She was always in black and was always sipping coffee in the morning, he realised. She would fall into the typical "emo girl" stereotype, the cliched quiet girl who has black black black everything and would just blend in with the crowd till graduation day.

Except Jade West was anything but typical. She was loud, opinionated and let others know what she was thinking. She was an exceptionally good actress, even Sikowitz (his acting teacher who was absolutely insane, but that was cool with him, he knows what it feels like) couldn't help but applaud her on her bird scene even though he wasn't supposed to say anything. Her voice was phenomenal, brought tears to the entire class as she effortlessly belted out a broadway song he's never even heard before.

She sits at their table later that day, Andre and Cat befriended her during their mutual classes. He finds that he quite enjoys her company, he found her sharp tongue and witty sarcasm refreshingly honest and truthful, he didn't understand how she could be so honest and real when all he's ever known was pretending. He thinks he's found a good friend, as insensitive as she might be, but he also thinks it's strange that all he can think about when he gets home that day was how she was drop dead gorgeous.

Now Jade was stunning, she knew that, he knew that, everyone knew that. So it was no surprise when she had a whole line of guys just waiting for her to throw them the proverbial bone, to give them a chance. But for some reason, she didn't. She just let them hang around her, but never gave them a chance. It was five months later when she agreed to a date with Ryder Daniels when he started to experience a whole new emotion.

(jealousy)

He had never felt this way before, he didn't know what it felt like to have your stomach churn and_ burnburnburn_, to have your blood pumping so hard it rings in your ears and to have your heart ache so much it physically hurt. But when he saw Ryder wrap his arms around Jade's waist and kissed her as if she was the only thing that mattered to him, oh boy did he feel it. It was then that he realised he may have fallen for the dark haired, sharp mouthed beauty, and he'd fallen hard. He told her to stop seeing him afterwards, and surprisingly she didn't put up a fight and says okay. After awhile, he asks her why and she tells him it's because it's the only time she'd ever seen _him, _so genuine and _real_, so she agrees. He was an asshole anyway I was planning to break up with him in the first place, she says but he's still happy she actually listened to him. He's surprised she could see right through his acting, but really? He shouldn't.

He doesn't see Ryder Daniels around anymore and he is so fucking glad.

He thought that they would be together after that, he even planned to ask her out and everything. I mean, he reasoned, she listened to me right? She chose my words over Daniels', that had to mean something. But as he approaches her one day and she smiles, he loses all thought, chickens out and walks right by her. He starts ignoring her, being more and more cold, being more like the Beck he used to be before Andre&Robbie&Cat&_Jade_ but he was just so confused. Hormones messing with his normally clear headed and rational mind, he decides he wants to forget about Jade West and his feelings for her. It would mess up the group dynamic and if we don't work out, I'll lose the only people I've ever cared about, he rationalises.

He asks another girl out the next day.

He finds his locker door half ripped off and stabbed several times with what looks to be the work of a pair of a scissors.

"Do you have any idea who did this? This is a serious offense, I mean, it's vandalism! And anyone who could this much damage must be pretty dangerous."  
"Nope, not a clue."

(he finds himself pretending more, now that he blew it with Jade. She made that loud and clear.)

Of course, they suspect it's Jade but he convinces them otherwise with the right words, a little charm and plenty of reassurance.

He is still, first and foremost, an actor.

Of course they bought it.

It's a little over a month later when Jade pushes Desiree (Destiny? he can't even remember her name now) into the pond, goes straight up to him and kisses him hard. He decides that he's tired of fighting it and kisses her back with everything he's got and then they're together the next day. Their friends smirk and tell them that it's about time. Robbie and Andre tell Beck that they'll shoot him if he ever broke her heart and Cat goes on about how her brother got shot by a clown once. Beck just wraps his arms around his girl (he loved calling her that, she was his and his alone) and tells them not to worry, that he's got her. She tells him to stop being such a sap and he kisses her forehead.

Four months into the relationship and he tells her everything, and she just stands there nodding, holding him, understanding. He asks her why she gave him a chance, when she had at least ten other boys grovelling for her attention. She says it's because she looks into his eyes and sees someone who is trying his best, who is pretending. She looks down and tells him she knows how it feels too, to always pretend. He nods and holds her as if his life depended on it. He tells her about his insecurities, how he feels like he would never be good enough for his parents and then wonders if Jade will ever think someone else was better. The next day, Jade is fiercer, purposely scaring away all potential suitors to make Beck happy, to let him know that she was his, and his alone. She would yell at them to fuck off and that she wasn't interested. He supposed he should tell her to not be too extreme but he was really too happy that she would do something like that for him.

Seven months into the relationship and he finally asks her about her family. It was in the RV, while they were watching a movie when he drops the question. He'll never forget the way she stiffened in his arms, got up, broke his lamp and left without a word. The next day she finds him looking worried and scared, holding onto two coffees standing by her locker, full of apologies. She kisses him chastely and doesn't let him hold her hand for the entire day, letting him know that she was over it, but to never bring it up again in her own little way.

He never asks about her family again after that.

Things were better, after that. They argued everyday, but it wasn't serious. It was just their way of venting out their anger, and no one else seemed to understand. They were the only people who could handle each other, who knew just what to say, what to do to help. They didn't someone to coddle them, to hold them while they cried, they wanted to yell, to shout it out to the skies because they were just two kids who grew up way too fast, with too much on their plates. And that's why they were perfect for each other. They knew, they understood and that was why there was only Jade to Beck, and only Beck to Jade, even if no one else gets it, they do.

"They fight everyday"  
"They would never last"  
"She deserves better"  
"I don't know how he tolerates her"

But in the end, that's okay. Because they don't care about what _they_ say, or what anybody says in fact. Beck loves Jade, and she loves him too. They would do anything for each other. And then comes the rough patch.

He doesn't know why, or when exactly, it all started. He got complacent, he stopped telling Jade how much he loved her until she asked him to. He stopped telling her that she was the most beautiful person he has ever met, and starts giving other girls his attention. He stops sneaking a dash of cinnamon into her coffee every morning because he was one of the few who knew about her love for cinnamon. He doesn't hold her as tight anymore and she notices. She starts to pull away too quickly from his hugs, she doesn't kiss him first, she doesn't ask him to tell her he loves her. Hell, they don't even hang out together without the gang anymore.

It just goes to show that when you stop making the effort, you fall apart, even if you are soul mates. It doesn't matter that you love each other more than anything, or that you guys were 'meant to be', as long as you stop trying, it will all apart. And he felt it, they all felt it.

He knew the end was coming, he felt it in his bones. He knew she did too, their words begin to cross the line (on purpose, they never do anything aimlessly) they start to self destruct and then he felt what it was like to have his heart break as she walked away from him.

He didn't chase after her, this time.

"I'm gonna walk out this door, and I'm going to count to ten. If I count to ten and you're not out there, I'm going home. And we're done."

He knew she meant it this time. And every single memory and beautiful emotion ran through his head, but when she hit ten, every painful memory came back to him, and he thought it would be better to not feel anything again. She made him feel so, _so _much. With her, he wasn't just another emotionless, typical asshole. With her, he felt everything.

After that, he slowly began to close up again. He became his old self once again, and with no Jade around, there was no one to tell him it was okay to feel.

He doesn't know what's worse. Drowning in the ocean, or dying of thirst.

She doesn't give him the time of day anymore, she doesn't even look him in the eyes. He goes back to using girls, and this time Andre doesn't say anything, he knows better than to interfere with Beck & Jade.

It was no longer Beck&Jade.

He doesn't change his profile video on the Slap. He still wants people to think he's Jade's, because he doesn't know what to want or do anymore.

He lasts four months without Jade before he snaps in front of his parents.

He lasts seven months without Jade before going on an opposite date with Tori, which only reassured to him, that Jade was still the only girl he sees.

He lasts nine months without Jade before agreeing to go out with Meredith.

When he sees her on stage singing her heart out, he realises he hasn't been lasting at all. He hasn't been alive in nine months, he was merely a shell, floating along existence without her.

"I missed you."

And just like that, she's putty in his arms again. And he's finally alive again.

It does take awhile for them to fall back into their routine again. She still shies away from his touch, doesn't let him kiss her in public and doesn't push back as hard in fear he wouldn't chase after her again and he tries his god damn best to make up for lost time. She puts him through hell, unintentionally, by shying away every time he touches her, by looking him in the eye telling him he's lying when he says he loves her, just taking twice as long to open up to him, just everything. It just kills him to know he was her world and he just let it go like that, so he tries and tries and tries until she has no reason to doubt him any more.

Maybe they weren't perfect, he knows he's far from it. He is still an actor, it's been so deeply engrained in him that he doesn't want to be anything else. But maybe, just maybe, he wasn't, first and foremost, an actor.

He was, first and foremost, Jade's.

Most beautiful words haven't been spoken until the day he got down on one knee and she said yes.

They wouldn't last, they said  
She deserves better, they said  
He shouldn't tolerate her, they said  
They're a disaster, they said

He loves how they proved them all wrong.

He's only alive when they're together, and he couldn't be more glad that it's always been her and no one else.

He loves her.

* * *

Beck&Jade are the most amazing pairing ever, they really should have gotten more development in the show.

Please review! It would make my day :-) First Victorious story here, hopefully I got Beck's character down properly.

Author's note/Update: 07052013  
Okay, thank you all for the lovely reviews :-) Just wanted to say that I had planned for this story to be at least two thousand words longer but I got lazy halfway, resulting in the previous half ass-ed ending, which I had taken a little time to edit to make myself feel better about the completely rushed ending. I kinda wanted to do a story about the seven emotions different people evoke in Beck's life, and also toyed with the idea of Beck being an actor and the two just came together and resulted in this. I've wanted to write for Victorious for a really long time and I really really wanted to do a story on Jade because I absolutely adore her and relate to her so much, but this just came to me one day and I was like 'I have to write this shit down!' so yeah it's a little rushed and everything so yes criticism is welcomed. Also, Ryder/Jade? Totally hot. I'm in on the Rade Revolution or whatever it is fans are calling this pairing because I think they have SO MUCH potential! Too bad it was never explored in the show, but if I continue writing for Victorious, they will definitely be in there somewhere. Also, I strongly dislike Bori and I ain't even sorry.


End file.
